So I'm sitting here in my room talking to the moon. She's a good friend, listens to you and doesn't judge. And she's always there for you even if you can't see her. So I was talking to the moon... my favorite thing about talking to the moon is that I don't actaully have to talk I just think and I look at the moon and since well I say she hears me. And So I was thinking to the moon tonight. How life never goes exactly right and just when you think you're starting to figure it out or you do something right it goes wrong worse then it was to begin with. I was telling the moon I was lonely and I was glad she came to keep me company but the moon doesn't really care about my problems so I understood when she dissappeared behind some clouds.

I'm supposed to pretend I'm happy and I haven't been doing a very good job. I'm hiding... I went to Delaware all day with my mom and signed off line. Haven't been on for more then an hour today... it isn't helping... It's one of those times when you wish you could crawl into bed and just never wake up. I don't even have anyone to talk to about my problems cause no one cares and they are my problems and by definition all my fault. Still... it hurts knowing that your life is in shambles and not only is there nothing you can do about it, but it's your fault it's like it is. Maybe I'll go watch When Harry Met Sally again, or read a book or lay in my bed wishing someone would come and hold me and say it'll be ok... or call me up and tell me that I'll be allright and it really isn't so bad.

You ever really really hate someone and want to be with them so bad? It's a very odd feeling... wanting to tear someone into a million little pieces and hurt them till they sob like a tiny child and all at the same time you want nothing more then to crawl up in their lap and hold them close forever and ever. It's worse when you can't do either of those things. To hurt someone they have to care about you and to hold someone they have to care about you. And yes I know you can read this and I've ceased to care... you stole my pride long ago. Sides to quote you, "I'm just saying what I think," See the thing is I care what you think and you don't care what I think or feel or anything so long as you can pretend that I'm still your friend. Like calling me today like you wanted to know if I was ok... really you just wanted to know if I blocked you... well I hadn't and I still haven't, though God knows why.

Went furniture shopping with the Ladie today... and I was ok for the most part... tired a bit because they didn't let me sleep and we were just walking through the store she stops at a sofa to look at it and right across from the sofa is a bed. And sitting in the middle of that bed was two cartons of Chinese food open on a tray. The covers pulled back and I cried. I cried over two cartons of fake Chinese food. Pathetic isn't it? Don't deny it. I know it is. Every Audi I pass, and for some reason a camper pulled out in front of me today... it was a cream color with brown stripes... that boy in the Linkin Park T shirt, Aerosmith on the radio, Car movies on the TVs at Wal Mart... can't you leave me in peace... I just want to hide away.

So to you... if you do read this, don't reply. I don't want to know and I'm sick of having to listen to you lie to me. I know I deserve it I know it's only fair, but well... Just leave me in peace, alone, if that's what you have to do. I'm sorry for being the way I am, but you know me better then anyone, even my own mother, so just this once can't you do something special for ME? Let me forget you if I can... or at least let me forget the parts I want and don't remind me. I understand you just want to tell the world how happy you are and I'm glad your happy. It's all I ever wanted for you, but just let me be miserable in peace... don't make it worse and don't try to make it better. I won't be online, just so you can be sure I haven't blocked you. I'm gonna close my eyes, and I'm gonna fall asleep, cause I miss you babe, and I don't want to miss a thing. 

It's here... first time I ever thought to wonder why we celebrate this holiday. Not that I'm complaining. I think actaully that it's not that bad a holiday... you don't have to decorate, there's no presents to buy... the only thing to worry about really is that kiss you're supposed to get at midnight... but I figure you either get it or you don't. I wasn't so lucky this year.

Still it is kinda wierd if you think about it, not like things look any different after midnight has come and gone. And really the only kind of serious tradition New Years has is Auld Lang Syne, Dick Clarke, The Kiss, The Cheers, The Noise and The Resolutions... ok I geuss it is alot, but still. So maybe I should make some resolutions... I don't know what I would say... I mean I know I"m not perfect of course, but what do you say? I resolve to be a better person. I resolve to be the best friend daughter and suchforth that I can... I resolve? to what? O well... here goes nothing...

I, Sara E. Ferenchak, resolve to do what I think is really and truly right at all times, no matter what it might mean. I resolve to be patient and honest and kind and as much as I can be a good and virtuous person.

Sounds good huh? Well wish me luck. It's tough to change who you are... takes alot of time and patience. So last year I wrote a lovely poem for New Years... I enjoyed it any way... This is it:

Something new has come again,
so that the old may fade away.
Leaving only memories
and dreams of yesterday.

Tomorrow brings the future,
a twisty unwalked path.
While today holds only certainty.
How I wish that it would last.

Soon the clock will strike,
and everyone will shout,
merry, joyful, happy sounds,
but still all filled with doubt.

For who knows where yesterday goes,
when it comes his turn to die?
And who sees what tomorrow knows,
who has that powerful sight?

So when the clock strikes midnight,
and the old shall pass away,
I will wait for morning light,
to cheer for the new day.

So this year... I'm trying again.

Gone again, it fades away
Passing with the end of the day
Another trip around the sun
Another year of tears and fun

I've loved and lost and loved again
I've wept and laughed and made new friends
We've risen to the morning sun
and slept again to waning moon

Now the New Year has begun
But that doesn't mean the end has come
Long ago and auld lang syne
are never really far from mind

Another trip around the sun
Another year of tears and fun
But now it's time for the New Year
Fare thee well Auld Lang Syne my Dear

It hasn't been the best year of my life, but it's been a good one. Love to you all... Bear... Timmers... Ang. To the Ladie. Love...


 

It's almost 1... twelve hours and I've got to go to work. My life hasn't been making sense lately... or maybe it is and it just didn't make sense before. Took angie her present today (technically yesterday) She seemed to like it and she gave me chocolate Pringles... and NO they were not chips in any way... just chip shaped. Then I came home and made some S'mores. Then I talked to Jess... the cause of and solution to all of life's problems. No that's unfair. So this is my blog and I write here because it's comforting to think that someone cares and it's nice to have a place where you can put all your thoughts down and then have a good run at them with an organizer... of course they're faster then you'd believe but it's nice to have the chance.

I haven't really wanted that chance recently, because I'm having more trouble making it add up then usual. So I just haven't written. I've thought alot, but it doesn't seem to be helping. I'm not sure anything would really... that's prolly part of the problem. Though I've heard that the first step to solving a problem is admiting you have a problem... thats' bull. The first step to solving a problem is knowing what the problem is and why you have it. I've got most of the what down... not the important parts but the most of it anyway, as for why... That's the part that bothers me the most. Sometimes I wish you could just take your problems and stick them on a shelf for a little bit. Go take a break chill out... I suppose that's what sleep is for, but this is a very persistent problem. I don't know why I bother. I'm supposed to be sleeping, but no one cares either way so here I am talking to a a form on a Blog that cares less then the average person... maybe that's my recurring theme. Who the hell knows? Yeah you're thinking go the hell to bed bitch.. so I geuss I should.

Good Night.