Put your hand upon my hip. When I dip, you dip, we dip...

Life is a dance intracate and beautiful. We're all just whirling... uncertain or confident, proud or weak or strong or shamed. We dance,because we must, because that's what we are. We are the dance, the music, the words, the life. And we bow to our parteners and take their hands and fly or we dance with a broom handle or in the quiet comfort of our room. We tap our fingers or strum our kness. We dance this complicated samba. Rubbing navels with the joy that is life. Breath in your lungs and the sweet taste of the day on your lips. Dancing in harmony in great graceful swirlings until it is our time to move on.

"They laugh because it hurts... because it's the only thing that'll make it stop hurting." ~ Heinlein

If we didn't laugh we would all go insane. It's the miricale and tragedy of the human race.. our joy, our folly our aungiush and pain and happiness. SPilling over in great rolling waves of laughter. "The goodness is in the laughing... it is a bravery... a sharing... against pain and sorrow and defeat." ~Heinlein We laugh and smile and go on as well as we can. We do what we must to live and stay whole. We laugh so we don't break.

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." -- J.D. Salinger

Don't even tell them your name, because they will have a piece of you forever and you'll never take it back. Everytime you give a piece of your self away... you rarely notice, save when the pieces begin to leave you. And you notice taht parts of you are gone... not completely or iretriveably, but you miss them. He washed over her as a wave washes over a beach and left some of himself with her and much the same way as the sand goes out with the tide, so a piece of her went with him.

"This poor little caryatid has fallen under the load. She's a good girl---look at her face. Serious, unhappy at her failure, not blaming anyone, not even the gods...and still trying to shoulder her load, after she's crumpled under it.
this symbol means every man and woman who ever sweated out life in uncomplaining fortitude until they crumpled under their loads. It's courage...and victory.
Victory in defeat, there is none higher. She didn't give up...she's still trying to lift that stone after it has crushed her...she's all the unsung heroes who couldn't make it but never quit." ~Heinlein

Victory in defeat... is not admiting defeat. You can be down, but as long as you refuse to go out you are still victorious. Strength when there is none Hope without reason. Endurance without end. To go on is all the strength that matters.

"the quiet endless tradgedy that there was never a girl born who grew older then eighteen in her heart... no matter what the merciless hours have done." ~Heinlein

Youth is in the heart and there it stays for all eternity... the way Initials carved on a tree remain as long as the tree does. The joy and horror of youth is the length of time it lasts.

COnsider this a retraction of a majority of the previous two blogs. Love!
 

We stand in line at the Resistrar's Office.

Had Design class today. Solid and Void... things you can't go through and things that are empty. My math teacher sounds like Homestar Runner. And I love my classes even walking across class in the freezing cold isn't so bad. I hate it here. Not the buildings or the food or even the people... but here. Ok I don't hate here. I'd hate whereever I was. THe Ladie was right... I'm depressed. I wish I wasn't cause it' snot a barrel of laughs. And sometimes I feel good... happy... sometimes I can forget. BUt even one with such great powers of absentmindedness as mine has to remember sometime. And It kills me to remember. I wish that when you went to college. They let you start over. You forget everyone you used to know, except your parents, perhaps... and you move the hell on. Cause that's what they tell you... move on... forget...

WHY DON"T YOU CARE??? i hate you so much sometimes... it's kinda liberating to have your diary out here where everyone and your mother can read it. It's also a bit troubling, because you know people won't think so highly of you any more, but the funny thing is... I've ceased to care. I read in a book once where a woman killed a man, because he scorned her love. and sometimes... sometimes I know how she felt. I wanted to go running tongiht. YOu know the last time I went running? It was before I met you... Early in tenth grade... I used to go running, when I was lonely or scared or angry or sad or lost... I wanted to run tonight out of the dorm and down the hill and out into the trees to the lights I can see out my window. And i wanted to sit there in the quiet and scream.. just like I did before I met you. You were my rock. My anchor... You kept me steady. And I've got nothing now... I've got no sanity left. And you're all i think about when I think now. It's breaking me into little pieces. This is another reason I don't believe you ever really loved me. Because there is no way you can feel like this and say nothing... NOTHING. Because I know you. When you want something you go after it... like you went after angie like you went after Jen, but you never really went after me... becaseu I wanted you. I went after you. It's easy to believe looking back... I went to see you... every day... OUt in the cold we went fourwheeling and I got to hold you close... And We went for rides... and I didn't have to run anymore. But I went after you... not the other way around. I should have realized that, should have seen it, but I ignored it, because I wanted you.

Dear NB~

It's not so bad here. I tlak to Chris and Scottish online alot... classes weren't to bad. I fixed my schedule. I'm so lonely. It's wierd. I'm surrounded by people and I'm all alone. I always was alone I suppose. A loner. DO you think anyone besides Ladie even notices I'm gone? It's like when I used to think about crashing my car. You wonder who would be truly upset that you were gone... who would remember who would move on... He didn't even call to say goodbye you know. My roomates making friends with the smokers outside the building, and while I don't really mind having friends... I just don't feel like putting forth the effort. It's an investment you know. Your rimte, your money, your peace of mind, your soul and more often then not you get nothing in return. I wish he loved me still. How foolish is that? I tell myself all the time that I had my chance, that I'm ahppy for him, that i'm glad he doesn't love me. And in ways I am. I did have a chance perhaps, though if he never really loved me then I never did have a chance. And I am happy because whatever I say I was never good enough for him and she is I hope. And I'm not glad he doesn't love me... it kills me. It's like everything that meant anything to me is dust. Like If you had spent three years of your life working for soemthing and in one instant the wind shifted and it idssappeared forever. and if you want it back you have to start all over except you already used all the materials and they're gone you gave up the time and it's gone and you can never get it back. It's like giving up a piece of who you are. And in a sense I did. THere was no me without Jess... it was SaraandJess. Together and now it's just me. Sara will paint the wave runners and strip off the pieces... sara will wire your washer lights... sara will pack and go off to school... alone. And he won't even miss me because He's happy. without me. I dont even know what to do. I want him. It's stupid and wrong and bad in so many ways and I want him any way. I want him to love me like he said he did... forever and alwasy the way I have to love him... I want it back even the fights and the tars, because it was real and even the fights were ok because he stayed. He used to stay up late and fight with me because it was important and it mattered and now he just leaves... goes out to have fun and forgets and he can. He remembers everyhting I did wrong and I remember everyhting he did right. I wish you were real... you'd know waht to do. I've got a Hall meeting to go to tonight and I"m gonna get some popcorn. TTYL.

NIght. 

Lyrics: I want you - Pulp

Another day another 200 dollars. Shelling out for books wasn't so bad it was carrying them all back across campus that killed me. Got our schedules this morning. I'm a few credits short so I've got to go fix that on WEdnesday or Thursday... I REALLY hope an Italian clas opens up or I might end up in a Physics class. Scary.

I'd like to tell you all taht college is great and wonderful and I'm loving every minute of it, but to tell the truth... it's much the same as being enywhere else, except I'm stuck here alone and without milk. It's been a shitty couple of months and I predict it will only get worse. (How's that for being like Tim?) But it doesn't matter. I've been thinking about it and nothing really does. I mean that's the point right. You do things one after the other and maybe they matter, but not for long, people forget and no one cares forever... even your lover mourns only for so long. Perhaps one day some one will sit down and say O yes... I knew her once... what was her name again? and you know what they'll say... It doesn't matter. And they'll be right. Nothing matters past now, because everything you do is worthless. It seems bleak, but honestly... and honesty is very important... you have to think about it as a whole. Say You loved someone... really loved some one... in ten years will it matter? Only if you're still alive. in one hundred years? of course it won't. Why would it? even love lasts only as long as the lover. And lovers are fletting. One day you're the one... the only person in the universe for them... good enough to be their wife... their best friend... and the next you are simply a person they know. Much like any of the other people in their life. They'll talk to you and care about you, but really you are nothing to them. They do not mourn your loss, for you are gone... the lucky ones lose their lovers when they die, so they do not mourn either. The unlucky ones live. Knowing everyday that a large part of their life was a lie, foolish dreams, and useless passion.

Eh screw it huh. I want to whine and complain and moan... and I know you're reading this, actaully maybe you aren't... it would fit. But it doesn't matter because you read my diary once right? Twice... my bad. And this is my diary now... No sense in lying so I'll keep it all out front. I kissed Tim and I never told you. It was a good kiss, but it was only a kiss. I love Tim, yes, a little more then you love me now, but no I did not love him... not in the beginning, not then, not now. And yes I dumped you... I didn't want to, but I did, because it was the right thing to do. I promised you once... many things... I make you no promises now, or again, because they are worth nothing to you. And When you asked me out in the fireworks... I said yes, because I loved you and wanted nothing more then everything to be right again... and two hours later you dumped me. It wasn't right... it wasn't good enough... I wasn't. I suppose I never was, but even a realist like me likes to believe that some one can love them despite their faults. And you asked me out and i DID say no. Because I was hurt and angry and so much in love with you that it killed me. It was thoughtless rejection to you... the moment wasn't right... wasn't good enough... and the next day when you asked me out... there was nothing special about it You held me in your arms the way you used to, like a lover and you siad to me "Will you go out with me?" "I did not think about it... I said yes, because I wanted you... there was nothing special about it... no fireworks, no dress bought just for the occassion... just a girl and a boy in a driveway. Perhaps it was jsut guilt on your part... perhaps it was over even then and I diodnt' want to see. And I remember the last time to. You sitting on my bed and me facing you and when you did it that last time I didn't cry and niether did you. I don't even remember if you left... just your face watching me. But I remember after that to... laying close on the bed watching movies sitting on your couch ofter class watching TV... I remember chinese food and trips to lunch... I remember it, and that hurts most of all, because you must have not loved me even then, and I never knew... I knew you didn't trust me, but I didn't expect you too. I thought it would take awhile... then I saw less of you, and I was lonely and I wanted to see you, but there was never time. There was class or something else, but I wasn't worried,because Christmas break would be soon and I could spend everyday with you. They couldn't keep me away then. But it's funny how things work out. Sometimes I believe that God is vengeful... or in karma... or other kinds of retribution. I felt like I desrved it, to lose you, my best and only real friend. because you are lost whatever you say. You will never trust me again... no matter what... never love me again... I was never your one. Sometimes I think about the irony of it all... I always told you you couldn't love me liek taht you never even kissed anyone else... and I wasn't lying.

Dinner will be soon, but I'm not going... maybe I'll order some Chinese food and eat in my bed.

P.S. Ladie I know you're reading this. I love you. I'll see you soon. 

The door has got stars on it. one says Meghan and one says Sara... the one that says Sara has a little star at the very end of the name where some one has scribbled out an H... with style.The room itself is pretty typical of a college dorm... you got two beds, two dressers, two wardrobes, two desks. Pretend there is a girl on the bed along the far wall, right in front of the wondow. Shes got on a pair of baggy dark grey cotton pants and a grey tank top. Shes' wrapped in a bright colored blanket, squinting at the screen of her moniter as her slim fingers pound over the keys. And actaully you don't have to pretend, because there actaully is. But to see her in person you'd have to visit Ronson Hall inHouse B and turn right to the girls dorms and knock on the door of Room 151 even though it's prolly open. She might not be there, but I'm sure she'll turn up eventually , just ring her cell... she'll pick up. Come visit her... she won't mind. She hasn't figured out what sightes there are to see, but she knows they're there... not too far down the road. And everyone likes to think they're worth a visit.

Classes start Wednesday. We get out Schedules tomoro. The Sophmores, JUniors and Seniors are moving in today. It's geting alot louder in here, but I don't mind. I went to the library today and checked out a book. I went everywhere. Down to The Common Thread to see my mail box. And up to White COrners to ask about work study. Ten back down to Ronson for a bit of R&R and to get my internet working, of course. I called the Ladie six million times. I even thought about calling Jay. The rooms not so small now. And I love to look out the window at Ravenhill... or what I assume to be Ravenhill and will continue to assume until I'm told different. At nigth the sky was a funny orange color... I think that even If I take a shower tonight I'll take another tomoro in the morning. I feel so dirty when I do that.

Well anyways. I'm around call my cell... IM me... you know the drill. Just looking for some love.